70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
