ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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