and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
