drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
