About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
