Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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