Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
