Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
