According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Randomize
