You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
