Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
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we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I wish there were birth control emojis
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
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Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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