you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
a search helicopter?!
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
