sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
