so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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