i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
