Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
