I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I will pee on everything he values.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
