In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
