Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
