I will die if light touches me.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
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