it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
