how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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