mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
