how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
