i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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