i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
