I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
