Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
