I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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