He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
