So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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