I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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