You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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