True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
