they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
