I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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