he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
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We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
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Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober