call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates