Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
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He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
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I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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