he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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