You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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