It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Pooping to opera.
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