I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
