my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
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He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
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I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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