I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
