I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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