U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake