I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.