Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
