and you said cock pushups were impossible
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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