my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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