Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
you win again, gameday.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
