your parents love me but you hate me
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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