i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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