Your mouth is God's brothel.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
